Life is What You Make it

My grandfather, we call him Gramps, will be 90 years old in May, but this week his doctor recommended hospice care. A few months ago we were told that his cancer was back, but it was too far gone and he was too weak to progress with any kind of treatment. After getting choked often while eating, to the point of needing the Heimlich, he now has a feed tube - a port where his meals are poured out of a can into a tube and straight into his stomach - 5 times a day.

Through it all my grandmother has been there - for the hospital stays, the new treatment regimens, all of the visits to all of the doctors, and on the other end of the tube 5 times a day. She slept in their Volkswagen vanagon in the parking lot of the hospital in Amarillo the first time he had cancer, when they didn't know what he had, when they installed and when they fixed his defibrillator.

She was also at the coffee shop when my grandfather came in with his cousins the first time they met. She was there with his infant daughter when he got home from the war. She was there every night when he got home after work with his meal on the table and in the passengers seat as they explored all of the 50 states. She was there when they welcomed 2 daughters, 4 grand kids, and to date 6 great-grand kids.

During his last stay in the hospital some of her former students from more than 30 years ago approached her in the hallway and reminded her of their favorite thing about her class. She taught a Zig Ziglar "I Can"course and at the beginning of each class they would do a cheer saying, "Act Enthusiastic and You'll Be Enthusiastic!" They would all chant in unison three times before each class. The irony of lyrically repeating THAT phrase outside her partner of more than 60 years hospital room... but sometimes it's true.

You can succumb to what life hands you - growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father or dealing with the passing of your mother as a young boy - or you can choose to live a beautiful life, to leave a legacy, to be there.

Every day that the sun comes up, you have to purpose to make it a great day. Do the best you have with what you're given and live to make your memories part of your happiness.

Last Week was a Month Long

Monday was our 7 year anniversary. we are used to being busy, it's true. Seven years and our oldest is 6. We are expecting our 4th - we are used to being busy.

Monday...well, we should start with last Friday because that is the day that Preston had his tonsils out. Makes for a long weekend. But we went to the movies to keep everyone entertained and we played game at home. Sunday, Preston looked at us like we were crazy when we asked him if he'd just like to stay at home and cuddle. "No, it's church day," he said. So we went. Then we had a small group meal together that night.

Monday Billy ran to the office, we got Clay off to school, Addy to Parents Day Out and with Preston in tow, I caught up to Billy for a "romantic" Anniversary Breakfast - can anything be romantic over grits, really? Billy dropped Preston off with my grandparents, recently back in the States from a European Cruise down the Danube for their anniversary and I rushed to the OBY/GN office for our sonogram appointment.

Billy got there a few minutes before we were called back and as I was laying there trying to look an images of our new little one, Billy and the sonographer talk shop - science, genetics, game boys even. Guess if you talk to chicks all day you make the most of a conversation with a man anytime you can.

After we learned that #4 is a boy and realized we better get to thinking of some boy names, Billy head out to El Paso for the week and I went to love on my Preston, look at my grandmothers trip photos and eat chicken nuggets with my granddad.

That night we got a last minute call to come eat with my ex-uncle, I guess that what he is. So I ate enchiladas, tried to help Preston find something he could eat, corral Addison and chat with Clay about his day and visit with my family. Billy went to Outback Steakhouse in El Paso by himself - how romantic - what an anniversary!

The week went on with pain medication every 4 hours -and all night long too - an antibiotic twice a day...and Popsicles and new bunk beds and laundry and dishes and homework....

Thursday we had a luncheon at work. I was running about an hour late that morning. Couldn't get a hold of Billy. I was bringing a side dish and a turkey. I forgot the turkey at home and had to go back to get it. On the way I got a call from George, Billy's boss.

"Billy's fine," he starts...
no, he's not or you would be calling me, I'm thinking. And a million horrible things run through my head. I knew we didn't have enough life insurance!
"There's been a car accident."
Ha, I knew he wasn't fine. And even if he is, he's not going to be!

I still couldn't get a hold of him. I called Ann at the church to ask our church family to pray. I didn't know much about what had happened, but I know prayer works. When I did get a hold of Billy he was on the way to the ER and told me the car was totaled. Someone pulled out in front of him. They t-boned. Air bags went off. He was sick to his stomach. Shoulders hurt. I was too far away. Helpless.

I told a few people, a few emailed after they got the prayer request via email, but I really couldn't talk about it. The possibilities were just too real. All the what if's crowded my thoughts. I cried at my desk hoping no one came in my office. But I didn't want to leave. What else would I do all day? At least I was occupied.

Before we could even talk about options, George sent someone down to help Billy so that they could finish the job and then come back to Lubbock together. Finish the job? I want him home now!

Finally when Billy walked through the door on Friday night, anniversary grits and sleepless nights of tonsil medicines didn't seem to be that big of a deal anymore. He was home and that was ok.

A Generous Wife

I keep in contact with several of my former students. Working at the university makes it easy to run into quite a few of them - so does facebook.com. Yesterday, as I often do, I heard about one of my dear former students, who recently got married. It seems that she's having trouble being a wife. After hearing that sex is taboo for so long it's odd to think that it's all of a sudden alright.

And it's not just with my newly married friends that being sexually intimate seems to be a problem either. I have many friends in the "we have babies at home and man, I'm tired" stage of life. I'm there too! About a year ago I started looking for something to help me put my mind on track with who I needed to be, who I was called to be, for my husband. After much prayer, I ran across quite a few great things, providentially.

The first is a website, a community, called The Generous Wife. The author will even send daily tips to your inbox. It's just a little tidbit reminding you about things you can do to make your husband feel special. For so long -and he still does - Billy gets leftovers. After everyone else is taken care of, he's last in line. Sometimes that's the nature of the business, I understand, but there are things that I can do for him to remind him of who he is for me - for our family. But first I just have to think about him. Add him to "the list" so to speak.

Then yesterday I heard of a new book coming out from Shannon Etheridge, who says, "female sexuality isn’t an embarrassing taboo, but an enriching treasure! Most women today are sexually competent. They know what to do in the bedroom... But I want more than that for you. I want you to be sexually confident.

Sexual confidence isn’t just for the supermodel or porn star. It’s the birthright of every woman, and the deep desire of every husband for his wife. It’s also a valuable legacy that we pass down to our own daughters and granddaughters as they are seeking to understand, embrace, and celebrate their own sexuality within marriage." That is exciting to me - a birthright, really? I'd always heard it talked about like a chore, something to take care of.

On her blog she has a community of women who prove the idea that women want to be the wife they were called to be, but have some obstacles to overcome. Don't we all?

And finally, Today's Christian Woman Online is a get resource to understand how other Christian women feel and cope. It has information about many, many topics. It's helped me to re-focus when I can't seem to see the big picture anymore. When I feel like I must be the only one going through this of having these feelings, it shows me just how many of us struggle with the same things.

I learned that just becasuse it isn't working now, doesn't mean with prayer and understanding that it won't work.

Wedding Shower Surprise

When I was a graduate student, planning an enormous wedding and the full-time high school English Teacher for some of the best kids ever, I was busier than I had ever been, moving at break-neck speeds all the time, but I also had a great peace. I was pulling a 4.0 in graduate school. My wedding ceremony was scripted down to the minute and included every last detail. My substitute was scheduled and lesson plans were ready to go. I only had a few days left and all my ducks were lining up. But I knew that if one got out of line, they were all gone.

Finally, my last day at school as “Miss Phillips” arrived. I got to school early, like I usually do to take care of any unfinished business from the day before. In front of my classroom door I unloaded the bags from my shoulder so I could unlock the door and as I opened the door I heard something scraping the floor. I quickly flipped on the lights to see what catastrophe waited. There was paper wrapped around my door that was scrapping the floor. There were messages of love on foil taped to my computer monitors. Black and white strips of butcher paper were draped across the ceiling. They even covered my entire desk in foil to which each of my little angels signed their names. My students decorated my classroom for an impromptu Wedding Shower!

And if that wasn't enough, each period that day poured into my room with wedding gifts, cake and food so they could celebrate with me. What a blessing! That day quickly put all the pomp and circumstance of life into perspective. I couldn’t have asked for more.

May he grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans (Ps 20:4) as well.

Lookin' Good

The other night we were at a birthday party for a family friends child. The birthday child's grandparents are friends of ours too. We actaully went to Central America with them a few years ago. At the party my mom and I were standing around talking to the wife, when the husband walked up. She slid her hands around his waist, looked up at him adoringly, and said, "I have told you lately how good you look in yellow? You look in nothing, but yellow really brings out your eyes." Everyone gasped, gagged and backed out of the circle. After her open and out loud pillow talk, her husband told us that he used to get embarrased, but "what's the point?" he said. She talks to him like that ofen. Playful and edgy. They are grandparents!

As embarrassing awkard as it was, she is meeting a pretty basic need. We all need to be appreciated to feel loved and of worth. So gals, appreciate what your husband does around the house, how hard he works at his job, and how well he does (fill in the blank). Let them know how much we appreciate his looks, his masculinity, his talents, his character, etc. See "Power of Appreciation" for more on this.

There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Mother Teresa

I am looking for opportunities to say "thank you" to my husband. I plan to be specific about what I'm thanking him for and to say it with an appreciative tone in my voice.

My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. Song of Songs 5:10 NAS


Sonnet 104 - Shakespeare
To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold
Have from the forests shook three summers' pride,
Three beauteous springs to yellow autumn turned
In process of the seasons have I seen,
Three April pérfumes in three hot Junes burned,
Since first I saw you fresh, which yet are green.
Ah yet doth beauty, like a dial hand,
Steal from his figure, and no pace perceived;
So your sweet hue, which methinks still doth stand,
Hath motion, and mine eye may be deceived:
For fear of which, hear this, thou age unbred,
Ere you were born was beauty's summer dead.

Cheating Men, Part 2

In “this nation of temporary arrangements,” as John Updike described our country in Too Far to Go: The Maples Stories, the marriage vow becomes hard to understand. People still regularly make that vow. Often, of course, we may wonder what they think they are doing, and almost as often, I suspect, they may be completely oblivious as to who or what actually authorizes them to make such a promise. With our "no fault" divorce and our denial of the destruction it brings to lives of children

Today we are so concerned about what we want and how we want it, we have little understanding of what it means to be faithful. We change jobs, switch churches, move from relationship to relationship. When someone cheats in a relationship, we say that they were unfaithful. But faithfulness is a Fruit of the Spirit.

In II Timothy 3:1-5, Paul describes the spirit of people at the end of the age:

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

Paul lists nineteen characteristics, with "lovers of themselves" and "lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God" serving as bookends containing the others within them. How can a person be faithful to another person, much less God, when he loves himself more than others? How can a person be faithful when his own gratification means more to him? How can a person be faithful if he is a headstrong, haughty slanderer and traitor who is disobedient, greedy, unloving and without self-control?

Faithfulness hinges on what we deem as important. We can be faithful to a sports team, a school or even an automobile, but find it difficult to stick it out with friends, jobs, marriages. Luke 16:10 tells us, "He who is faithful in a very little [thing] is faithful also in much, and he who is dishonest and unjust in a very little [thing] is dishonest and unjust also in much."

Who was more faithful that Christ? For 30 years he was faithful to his Father's purpose and for three years of ministry he was faithful to His mission. He was faithful even to death, faithful to His promise to us. Let us be faithful in our vows to each other.

Cheating Men

The chapter for our little book club this week starts with a strange woman coming early to the viewing after the authors father died. It was a woman the father had worked with, a woman who cried uncontrollably, and left before the "proper viewing started." A woman the family didn't know.

The author, born in 1953, says, "Here's the thing. I am now old enough to understand how a guy who cheats on his wife would have to act so that he could cheat on his wife. And then how he'd behave after he did."

What does that even mean? He goes on to say that his dad hated business trips, was always home at 5:30, whistled, was "catholic enough" and enjoyed his children. And that creates an affair proof man?

My father says a man's home situation has to be lacking for a man to want to cheat.Well, to that I say the man is lacking if he's not man enough to be honest and say, It's not working for me - before he's reduced to cheating, sneaking, lying...

Other insane theories include:

1. A theory exists that testosterone levels in men make them more susceptible to infidelity. This theory is based on the hypothesis that men are genetically predisposed to cheating because they are ingrained with the notion that the survival of the species is dependent on their procreation.

2. Men feel a sense of challenge in their infidelity. Actually being able to get away with an affair is a challenge that men enjoy. Additionally they enjoy the challenge of finding other women with which to cheat. To them the affair is more about the conquest then anything else.

3. It's an ego boost. The knowledge that they can find multiple women willing to engage in an intimate relationship with them is a tremendous self esteem builder for some men. They take pride in the ability to attract women and don’t care about the fact that doing so may destroy their relationship.

4. some have even tried to blame genetics

I imagine that the list is endless.

Truth is, adultery has been around forever, and has always given us something to talk about. Most reality TV shows these days center on it, as do gossip magazines. But we are far from cracking the big mystery: Why do some men cheat in relationships? All men know, at some level, that cheating is wrong. From the earliest age, we are taught the virtues of monogamy. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Yet it still happens.

More than 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest marital pain possible at some time during their lifetimes.
If you are on the brink of an affair, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. I believe having an affair is the most cruel decision you could possibly make.

To avoid temptation, use the following rules from Dr. Harvey: 1) Spend all your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, 2) no meals alone with someone of the opposite sex, 3) no rides in cars alone with those of the opposite sex, 4) never tell someone of the opposite sex that you find them attractive or that you like them and 5) if someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that they find you attractive, start talking about how much you love your spouse.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexual immoral. - Hebrews 13:4

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. - Proverbs 31:10

If you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm without fear. - Job 11:14-15

Marriage Battle

I once read that all weddings are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. I often feel as if my marriage has parachuted into the middle of enemy territory taking sniper fire from all sides. Other times it seems as if I am married to the enemy! Sometimes I am the enemy!

I had a co-worker tell me this week that it might be time for this marriage to end, like it was that easy. That really bothered me. I know, this world is not the friend of marriage. I was raised in a single parent home. But God is a friend of marriage; it was His idea! I know that we want a great marriages but we may feel as if the relationship has endured too much pain, that there is no hope. No matter where I am or where we've been in marriage, I belive the rest of our marriage can be the best part. Nothing is Impossible with God!

I have only been married for 6 years. And I can tell you, it's hard work. I'm not sure that we'd be at the place we are now without the supernatural work of God and certainly not without many tears, great pain and plain old hard work. Even before I met Billy I began learning truths about about marriage from watching others around me, but choosing commitment over comfort everyday is at the top of the list!

Truth: When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!

A successful marriage requires commitment. The Spanish explorer, Cortes, insisted on total commitment from his men. They landed in Mexico planning to invade the land of the Aztecs. Sensing the fear of his crew Cortes gathered them all on shore and set fire to their ships. Turning to his men, Cortes explained, “Now there can be no turning back!” Marriage demands this level of commitment.

As much as I struggle with this I know this commitment also includes being submissive to your husband. Submission is a Godly heart attitude of reverence and respect; not the warped concept touted by the world. Are wives supposed to be silent partners, willing to follow blindly? Absolutely not! We are equal partners in the marriage relationship, sharing our hearts, using our talents and abilities while trusting God to work through our husband. Submission is the result of total faith in God. I was told one that the level of submission to our husband illustrates our level of submission to God. Will husbands make mistakes? Of course! But can God work through them? Yes! Submission then becomes a precious umbrella of protection and safety.

It seems that we live in a world of pre-packaged, disposable marriages. If it doesn’t work, we can simply throw the relationship away and find another! Some even start as recycled material. The result is pain and destruction that takes years of commitment and prayer to overcome. Commitment is not based upon changing, temporal feelings; feelings cannot build a solid marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that love is the basis for marriage. It does say however, that marriage is the basis for love.

If you are hanging on in midst of a tough marriage let me encourage you that God is well aware of where you are! Someone once asked Napoleon to explain his bitter defeat at Waterloo. He responded, “The British didn’t win because they were better trained, larger or more equipped. They won because they fought five minutes longer!”

I sometimes wonder what battles we have lost because we gave up just a little too soon! Hold on! Hold on to your commitment to God and to your marriage! Because in marriages that really work, when the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!

When I was in junior high our youth pastors wife asked us to make a list of qualities that we wanted in a spouse. I thought it was corny, but as I grew in the Lord, I added to it, but never took anything off. And sometimes I get that list out to remind myself about the qualities that attracted me to Billy in the first place - and then I thank God for those traits in my husband. Now I'm going to go find Billy and thank him too.

The Power of Influence

Eve knew it (Gen 3). Deliah knew it (Judges 16). God has given women the ability to have some influence over men. What was it about Eve that caused Adam to follow her? Did Eve flash Adam a winning smile? Did she turn the perfect phrase? Why didn't he stop her? How could she in such a simple moment convince the incarnate heartbeat of God to disobey him? She influenced him. I'm not saying that Adam was a push-over. She just had a way with him and it caused him to sin.

God has given women the power of influence. Influence is when you effectively alter someone else’s perceptions, views, beliefs, attitudes, decisions thus altering their actions.

As the Marketing and Training Coordinator at the university, my effectiveness is directly correlated to my ability to influence. The expert influencer understands people, how they think, what makes them tick and how to get on the same wave-lengh.

Successful leaders, entrepreneurs and agents of change, know and appreciate the power to influence; they do not leave things to chance and hope they make a good impression they plan and practice their strategy to ensure success.

As a marketing manager, as a teacher, as a parent, I know the power of my influence. I use my influence everyday.

God has been dealing with me about the power of influence I have in my marriage. God has put in us the power of influence. What I do with it can either build my husband up in Christ or tear him down.

It seems one of the biggest reasons we fail to affirm our mates is because we're too preoccupied with ourselves. Praising and affirming your mate takes a conscious act of your will. It means changing my thinking from, "What's good for me?" to "What's best for my spouse?" And when we change our focus, we will automatically look for the good in our spouses. Learn to see the positive side, and let your mate know how much you appreciate his strengths.

I am grateful all the time for my husband taking care of us financially, spiritually, emotionally and many other ways. But I need to tell him - even before he really steps up to the plate in some areas. I need to speak over him a vision for what I know he can be.

Today I thanked him for working so hard at work. He took me to lunch - just the two of us - after he received his quarterly bonus. Tonight I will thank him for being attentive to our children. Tomorrow I think will thank him for being a great host to our extended family. I will start thanking him for hearing me out when I had a bad day. I want to build a habit of daily praise, to purpose to say one nice thing each day to my partner. I need to tell him often that I think he is such a man. Warrior talk if you will.

I want to make him feel like a man. So that he knows I respect him. Men crave respect just as we crave love. I want to speak that into his life.

If you can't speak that into your husbands life yet, start praying for ways that you can. Start being deliberate about finding something you can thank him for, rather than nag him for. Nagging never works. You might get what you want, but it won't be how you want it. He'll do it because he's sick of hearing you nag. Just ask Deliah and take a note from the Bible: Proverbs 27:15-16 A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

I know that I can be prone to being quarrelsome. I know that this can come from not getting your needs met. He doesn't meet your needs, you don't meet his, so he doesn't meet yours. Around and around it goes. But, I need to be the one to decide to make a change. Stop the cycle. I want to be the one who speaks life into my husband. Speak honor. Speak respect. I think that we just might notice our world is a lot more wonderful.

Our words hold the power to drive our husbands into a cave or to raise your men into Warriors.

Speak wisely.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Prov. 16:24

Deep End

I met my husband on the internet. We talked online for a few hours one Sunday afternoon. I called him on a dare that evening and met him on faith the next day. We’ve been connected since. I had fallen in at the deep end of the dating pool, head over heals for this fish.

Days later I declared that I could not date him unless he attended church. Expecting this to be the end of the spring fling, I prepared to resume life as a single once again. I had never before asked that of someone that I dated. I was never serious about building a long-term relationship. Bringing someone to church signaled far more commitment than I was ever prepared for. For me it would have paralleled surviving a family reunion for an unsuspecting beau.

To my surprise and dismay, Billy agreed and was on time Sunday morning to go to church with my roommates and me. I didn’t know what to expect from the day that lay ahead. But from the moment Billy walked in the door it was like he’d grown up there, with those people. I’d gone to church there for months and didn’t feel like he did when he walked in the doors.

The Changed Woman

If you were to hear me imitating American Idol Love Songs in the shower every morning,

you'd knowhow much you have changed my life.

If you were to see me stride across the park, pushing the stroller,waving to strangers,

then you would knowI am a changed woman—

like Cinderella awakened from her bad dreams

feeling feather-light in glass slippers, angel-happy,

laughing the firstof a long line of bright laughs—"Let me see if it will not fit me!"

It is changed.

Me, who felt short-changed.

Because of you I no longer hate my body.

Because of you I buy pretty clothes.

Because of you I'm a warrior of joy and prayer. Because of you and me.

Drop bythis Saturday morning and discover me fiercely picking up toys gladly,

dedicated as a mother three times over.

Drop by on Sunday—I'll let you pile in the mini-van

on it's scheduled route to church, no sweat.

I'll greet enemies with a smile; offering absolution without ties.

It's all because of you.

Because of you and me, I've become one changed woman.

An Ode to the Coggins

It takes a special couple

To have twenty-five years accrued

And take the time to have their vows

Lovingly renewed.

It speaks of deep commitment

And dedication at this stage

To the vows Dave and Janie, both had spoken

That have strengthened so with age.

To make these promises yet again

Who wouldn't be prepared

When you look back on this amazing life

That you've already shared.

You met as blissful, young sweethearts

He couldn't resist her beauty

She couldn't resist his cool.

It took a lot of strength and love

To raise children of your own

Teaching the boys to know the Lord above;
easy to say now that they're grown.

Oh, what a great adventure!

Moments that your family shared

Helped make a household strong.

Your time and effort to praise the Lord
was quite successful bid

Your care for us all, some since we were young

Translates just perfectly

To our Savior providing you each other for all years

Your strength, love, and honesty

Your common love of laughter

Are what make you the perfect pair

That all should be modeled after.

So as you both renew your vows

Know that you're our inspiration

So hurry up and kiss the bride again

So we can start the celebration!